Is endo the reason my marriage is over? (TMI warning)

Lets get to the real reason I made the blog site. To talk about the beauty and the ugliness that is Endometriosis. You might be thinking its all ugly but I beg to differ. I met some amazing individuals because my disorder. But there is a whole lot of ugly.

When I was first diagnosed with Endometriosis I had no sex life. I was 17 and not worried about having sex in high school out of fear of getting pregnant and being talked about. My school was bad about that. So I waited and my boyfriend (husband later on) was perfectly fine with waiting. So my endo symptoms were heavy and irregular period, lots of pain all month long and pain during urination and BMs.

When I got out of high school I did end up having sex and it was uncomfortable, I expected it to be because first time isn’t suppose to be amazing right? WRONG it was endo. And at this time I was kind of in denial about the whole thing. I had been thrown into menopause and had my surgery but it still hadn’t hit me that something was wrong inside my body. The pain during sex was excruciating to the point of having to see a pelvic floor therapist who thank God helped me out so much that I can have normal intercourse again. But there will always be a gnawing pain in my stomach afterwards. And if not directly afterwards then it will come the next day. So my sex life was limited but very much there up until the last few weeks of being together. So obviously it wasn’t a lack of sex thing (even though the sex was forced and very limited), I still don’t think it was the problem.

He told me I was lazy, he told me that the pain was in my head. I rarely complained about endo to him though so I’m not sure where this came from. I would complain of being tired a lot and not feeling good but I never said “my endo is hurting so bad today” because after my IUD my endo felt a lot better. I was usually tired and my ulcer was acting up because my nerves were always torn up (his fault a lot). When I was in menopause I slacked off doing my housewife duties but then I got a job and didn’t have 100% of my time to the house. When I lost my job and decided to take a health break we talked about me working on cleaning the house and I did. He was “worried” I would slack off again because of my “imaginary pain”.

When you have not 1 but 2 chronic pain disorders being told the pain is in your head is the last thing you ever want to hear. What you feel is very real, everyone has different pain tolerances to me my pain could be a 5 and to someone else it could be a 1 or ever a 9! Everyone’s story is different as well one woman could be covered in endo and feel no pain and someone else could have little endo and have terrible pain. Its all about location and nerve endings. But someone who could never get endo or who has never had endo may never believe this.

I don’t blame endo completely for my marriage failing, I blame lack of communication (from both of us), lack of understanding what I’m going through (his part), and lack of trying to make the marriage work (him). But I know its not all his fault.

Would I take him back?

He was the love of my life for 7 years. But love changes. He no longer felt the love for me that I felt for him. He called me names, and said very hurtful things to me. I’d never take back someone who I don’t even miss the slightest. I’m sure he doesn’t miss me either. To him I was a burden.

Do I regret my marriage?

No way. I had some really amazing times with him and I don’t ever want those memories to fade even though he walked out of this marriage, there was still a time where he loved every inch of me and I don’t want any good things in my past to be forgotten or be a regret.

Can I move on?

Without a doubt I can and will move on. I already am in MANY ways. I know where I made mistakes and I will take that into my new relationship. I know warning signs and things to watch for. I’ll make sure the next love of my life knows what he is in for with this stupid disease. If he wants to walk away he can, I’m not hiding it. Its not getting any better, I’m only feeling more pain more frequently these days. I wont ever let someone tell me its in my head again, its really messed me up in the long run. I’m having a hard time trusting my gut right now about everything. I’m I really hurting? His this person really being nice to me or just feeling sorry for me? Is any of these feelings real? Questions I don’t like asking because it seems disrespectful to the other people and also I should know by now endo pain is very real and not fake.

The moral is don’t let anyone tell you you’re faking. It is not in your head. Don’t let anyone call you lazy because you’re hurting to much to go out today and get groceries or you can’t vacuum the house. Take each day one spoon at a time. I feel like I’m living a better life, living this way.

I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. Thanks for listening. I hope everyone has a painfree Sunday and a great start to their week.

Goals?

My therapist asked me what my goals were, I told him my only goal at the moment was getting a job. So now what? I got the job, I worked hard for it! I need goals but I only know of one goal and its not something that needs to happen in a hurry.

I want to allow myself love again.

I’m not rushing myself, if it happens in a month then great, but if it doesn’t happen for years then that’s okay too. I have legitimate feelings for someone at the moment which is such a scary thought, I’ve gone back and forth in my head about everything a million times but the heart wants what it wants. But I’m in no position to love anyone right now. I don’t think I could love someone in a way that is fair to that person. I want to be all in when it comes to love, and right now that’s impossible.

But I don’t feel like this should be my only goal.

I want to do well in my new job, but is that really a goal? I think that’s just someone everyone wants at a new job. I’d love to set goals for myself in the job but in order to do that I need to know what I’ll be dealing with and I’m still just in training. (I’m working for a call center, for Samsung).

I want to schedule a surgery to remove my endometriosis, that doesn’t seem like a goal either. I should’ve gotten this over with months ago so I had someone to help me, and also I didn’t have a job. Kinda screwed myself over with this one.

I want to feel secure in every aspect of life, love, money, my job. This seems like a steep goal.

I don’t want to turn into a man hater. I love being alone, I feel amazing being independent and its easy to say “I don’t need a man to make me happy”. Which is true but I also sound like such a bitch. I don’t want people to think that I hate all men or that I don’t want another boyfriend because that’s not true. I just want everyone to know that if you’re a woman you don’t have to be dependent on a man, I’ve made the mistake even though I didn’t want to…it just happened like that. Men are great, boys are not. Learning the difference can save your life.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is a goal I think everyone should have. We all need to remember this sometimes. If you treat someone like a dog, be expected to be treated like one.

OK so I found a few things I suppose. I just really need to start setting more goals for myself. Maybe I’ll make this a series or something like that.

This is all very random. My life is very random lately. Gah…lol

Talk to you guys later. Its time for bed.

Carly

 

What even is this?

I had the idea to just throw out all my thoughts on to a blog post. Sounds like what blogs are for but…this is going to be a whole lot of crazy. I apologize in advance. Good luck and happy reading.

Why does shopping feel like a chore? I went to the mall early with my mom and I had the most dread ever. I had to get clothes for my new job which is dumb because the dress code is so lax but I only own shirts with huge band logos on them and yoga pants and neither of those things are allowed. Jeans and plain t-shirts is all I got…and panties. HA. But I walked into the mall and burst into a nervous sweat. So dumb typing this out now…I made it out alive. But am I that much of an introvert that the mall freaked me out? How will I survive my first day of work tomorrow?

Speaking of that, I’m so proud of myself. I’m not exactly having the easiest time here with my husband leaving me and having to find a job on top of everything else I have to legally do. I got a job it took me about a month of constant searching, but I did it! I can do anything I set my mind to, we all can. Just have to have faith in yourself.

As much as I want to spill all my secrets I can’t. I want to so bad but right now just doesn’t seem like a good time.

My therapist thinks I should get everything out on paper but why when I can just do it this way push publish and its out there forever but I never really have to go back and read it ever again.

None of this make any sense thrown together. But nothing in my mind makes sense. Is this even helping me? Am I even blogging correctly?

I want to talk about fear for a second. I’m terrified of what the future might bring me. Will I be able to live from paycheck to paycheck? Am I ever going to be IN LOVE again? Will my friends continue to stick by me even though I’m being a distant asshole right now? Where am I going to be in a year? Will I even be divorced yet? Will all my ties to him be cut forever?

That’s another topic, I’m way to OK about this separation. I feel like some sort of monster. You know how they say love is blind? Well the minute the blindfold was lifted I realized how much better off I am without him here. Which upsets me, but I’m OK. Also why doesn’t everyone believe me when I say I’m fine?! Oh yeah because I’m a monster and I really shouldn’t be. My therapist says everyone gets over things differently but for some reason I feel like I shouldn’t be over it this quickly. But I just want this divorce process over with. In the state of South Carolina it takes 1 year of being separated to begin the divorce process…I have 11 months to go. I wish it was tomorrow though, I want to be able to look someone in the face and say I’m single, I’m divorced. I went through hard times and I made it. Look at me now.

I’m hoping deep inside that he regrets it. I don’t regret anything about our marriage, or our separation. I hope he does though. I hope he realizes that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he threw it all away. For what? I may never know.

The uncertainty of it all really pisses me off. I have no idea why any of this happened so quickly. But I’ll probably get into that later on in a different blog. He never read these…I asked him to time and time again so he could learn more about me and my health. Ass.

I’m happy. I have several people to thank for that. I never thought that I would be this happy a month ago. I do a lot more smiling than crying now. I am anxious about 75% of the time still but I’m happy.

I want to apologize to my close friends for closing myself off. I needed some time, I’ve had some time and I’m ready to do things again. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to me too though. I’m sorry for everyone that I dropped because I was married and I felt like nobody would want to be friends with a married person if they weren’t married (which some people dropped me too because of it. I know you did, you know you did, just admit it). I focused my time around my husband which obviously got us nowhere. But it was only a one way street there I was the only one doing that, he was going out all the time…especially towards the end. I’m sorry to everyone that trusted him with my heart like I did, he failed us all.

I’m sorry that this whole post has gone a strange dark direction

I’m watching The Ranch on Netflix. It’s so funny and amazing. I need laughs in my life. Thank you to everyone who suggested it which was a ton of people. I’m currently listening to the sound of the train going through Fountain Inn. My windows have been open for a few days, my dog hates it but I love it. I don’t like my dogs constant barking at cars that go by though.

I start work tomorrow and my dog turns 11 its a big day in this household!!

Well, I’m going to go watch some more Netflix and cuddle with my pup. I can’t believe this will be day 3 of blogs. I don’t know why I felt the need to type all of this. I don’t know why I do anything anymore though. Stress relief maybe?

I hope you have an amazing start to your week! Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Be strong. Believe.

Carly.

I’m in the angry stage…

Its been over a month of living alone, not having to answer to anyone except myself. I’ve learned so much about myself in this month. I love being alone, I’m so independent. The fact that I was allowing myself to be dependent on a man blows my mind now. Where did that even come from? I wasn’t raised that way. I’m not saying having a husband is a bad thing, I’m not saying being a house wife is a bad thing either, but I’ll never allow myself to let a man control me like I was being controlled. I had no say on money, just because I wasn’t the one making it. He wanted me to stay home, he was living in the past. Like I was suppose to do everything around here and have no help. Cooking and cleaning, there was no possible way I could clean this whole house by myself when his stuff was scattered everywhere. He wouldn’t even take his cups to the trash, I had to pick up after him. I don’t think he could wash dishes in the dishwasher if he had to.

As you can see I’m angry. I’m past the point of sadness, I’m getting over this so quickly because I was being treated like a dog. Like a maid. I wasn’t being treated like a wife at all. He was just living with a maid, sleeping in the same bed as a maid. Was there any love left? I loved him with everything I had…what did I get in return? A separation. Blame.

I’m not a man hater, there are some amazing men out there that truly love their wife or girlfriend with everything that they have. Marriage and relationships are a 50/50 thing, you both have to do your part. My marriage was a 80/20 if not worse. I was giving my all and all I was receiving was the money he made for my bills to be paid. Well guess what, never again will I allow myself to be in a relationship like that.

I’m doing good for myself. I found a therapist who wants me to get out my anger in anyway I possibly can. He told me typing my blogs could really help me and honestly I feel like it is. I found a job, I’ll be working for Samsung as a customer service representative. I’m surrounding myself with friends and family to help get me through this. Without some of them I wouldn’t have a job, I wouldn’t have gone to Florida for vacation or even to see a lawyer yet. I would be laid up in my bed sobbing and not eating or sleeping.

Don’t get me wrong I’m terrified of the future. I don’t know how much money I’m going to make exactly, or if I’ll even have enough to pay my bills. I’m doing the best I can though. I’m afraid of having my heart broken again like this. I’m afraid of false promises. But I can’t go around not trusting people forever. Not everyone is the same. I just have to be more careful. I’m afraid of not being able to open my heart up fully to the next special someone that comes along.

I don’t want this to come across as its all his fault for our split up. Its not, but I’m just saying I missed a lot of signs that should have told me it wasn’t going to work out. I failed at communication, I didn’t tell him when something upset me. I just bottled it up and I think that and being blamed is what hurt me the most.

I’m going to be okay. I’m a strong independent woman and I’m not saying I don’t need a man, because honestly men are great. I just have to have one to survive. I want to love again, I’m fully confident that I will. This blog was kind of all over the place and I don’t know exactly what I’m going to title it yet. I hope I don’t offend anyone who may read this that knows him. I’m getting things out there to help me get past this.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I hope everyone has an amazing pain free weekend. ❤

Carly

Dear future lover,

You may or may not be reading this right now, but if you are there are some things you really need to understand about me.

First off thank you for waiting on me. I’m damaged, I’ve been broken by the man who was suppose to be with me for the rest of my life. I’m not going to be able to trust another mans promises of “forever” for a long time. Don’t hate me for it, hate him. On top of that I’m not sure how long it will take me to open completely up to you. I’m going to have doubts, please bare with me. If I question anything that you say to me, I’m only doing it out of fear for myself. I’ve never been a selfish person, but I don’t think I can go through this type of heartbreak ever again.

I need someone to love me for all of me. I have chronic pain, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give you a child. It doesn’t rule my life, but it is a big part of it. Sometimes sex can be painful to me, I’ll do the best I can. I’m going to need multiple surgeries to clean up my abdomen and pelvis of this horrible disease. I need someone who ill be willing to stick by me on my hard days, and know that this is very real. Everyone is so different with endo so you have to realize if you read someone doesn’t have much pain it doesn’t mean that everyone doesn’t. And just because mine is okay one day doesn’t mean I won’t be down on the couch the next day.

You have to cherish me, love me, show me affection. I haven’t had these things in years. I need some type of reminder that you care. Do you care? I hope so. I’ll show you in return, I just need some reassurance that you want me.

Please don’t take what I’m saying as selfish, I just see where I went wrong with my first love. I’ll never compare you though. Everyone is there own person, you could never be like someone else and I don’t want you to.

Lastly I want to thank you, if you’re in my life I obviously want you there. You’ve already done something right because anyone who does me wrong wont be staying. Thank you for putting up with my raging hormones, for many tears that may be or have been shed for little or no reason. Thank you for the comfort, and security I feel when I’m with you. Thank you for wanting to take care of me.

I’ll always be there for you until you give me a reason to not be. I’m not a cheater, a liar, or a thief. I’ll tell you how I’m feeling even when you don’t want to hear it because communication is key. Honesty is the one thing I’m really asking from you. If you screw me, you’re no longer welcome in my life.

Carly