Dreams?

Sorry a head of time for typos I typed this up in like 30 mins just nonstop typing:

Maybe I should make a new intro to my blog, maybe I should explain where I’ve been but instead I’d rather talk and just spill something that’s been on my mind lately. Dreams. Why do we dream what we do? The people in them? I don’t have any answers to this but I do have a few dreams I want to talk about because either they were freaky or they were very special. I’m not going to put the whole dream just the most memorable parts.

1) My Grandfather: He has come to me in dreams and I don’t care if you believe in this kind of thing or not all I know is I’ve never felt more near him than I did in my dream. Not even sure if being around him when he was alive felt this real. Usually he doesn’t speak at all but he never has to. One dream I saw him and it felt like I was seeing him for the first time since he died and he just gave me such an amazing hug. But the 2nd time this happened in a dream I remember I was walking through a book store and all of a sudden “When you Believe” By Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey came on and I saw him sitting on a bench in the store. I sat next to him and leaned into his shoulder and sang the entire song and cried, I felt like he was trying to help me relieve the stress and anxiety I was dealing with, telling me to believe in myself through song. Not sure if he knew it was one of my favorites from my favorite animated movie probably ever “The Prince of Egypt”. But that one moment helped more than any moment I could’ve had from a real face to face interaction.

2) Death in general: I’m not going to say my mom’s late best friend was trying to contact me because I don’t think she would be happy to see me crying, but I do find it ironic that I had a dream of sitting in a car when a song began to play on the radio, Over you by Miranda Lambert. This song came out ever Cindy passed away and Miranda just happened to be one of her favorites. I woke up literally in tears I felt her presence but also felt so sad because she was definitely taken too soon. Now I get a sense of relief when I hear the song, but sometimes I still get sad. The lyrics “Your favorite records make me feel better, cause you sing along with every song. I know you didn’t mean to give them to me” I think the dream really brought this set of lyrics out to me because she did give me all her CDs before she passed, as if she knew. I’m working on loading them to my computer where I can listen to them whenever I want.

I’m seeing a trend with songs but not really. These dreams are just the most memorable.

3) The end of the world. I wanted to throw this one in because it still makes me laugh. I was either taking a sleep aid or a new antidepressant I don’t remember but I know I had bad dreams from ZZZquil and Amitriptyline. Anyways, I dreamed God was talking to me and telling me only a few would survive there was a burning bush and tsunamis (which I live in upstate South Carolina, we aren’t near the coast) but the tsunamis weren’t normal, they were green tea flavored waters. I don’t remember anything else except the waves hitting me in the face and me saying “Tastes like green tea” as if the world wasn’t crumbling around me.

Do I think dreams mean anything? Yeah I think that dreams can reflect how you’re feeling. I have really bad dreams when I’m really stressed. Like really stressful situations that make no sense at all, or maybe even sad dreams too. I do think people can come to you in dream too, especially if they left before they could tell you something. I know some people have even known when someone dies while they are asleep, they wake up to the news and that alone is creepy.  But in the end I love to dream, it’s my small escape from reality and even if the dreams are terrifying I still love to see what’s going to happen next. Maybe I’m just a psychopath.

I’m also wondering why I’ve been typing for a nonstop 30 minutes. Did I mention I need to go to a psych doctor? HA…that’s a story for another day.

I wish I had more dreams but as I was typing I lost my train of thought on the dreams so I’m just going to leave it at this. But I’d love to talk more about reoccurring dreams that really puzzle me. If you know anything about dream interpretation let me know!

Sorry I’ve been away for almost a whole year. I suck. But I’m here right now, I’m not making you any promises.  Talk to you sometime 🙂 Stay well, stay pain free, love yourself.

Advertisements

Take me as I am, or watch me…move on.

Walking away from certain individuals in my life has always been easy to me. I know when someone is corrupt, or harmful to my life and i know there is always a way out. I look back at all the memories I had with these certain individuals and I don’t feel like it was all a waste. I learned from these people, I had some incredible times. And I would 100% let some of them back in my life, but not now. We were all young and dumb, we made choices that weren’t always right. Until we grow up more, I can’t let some of these people back in. But some I would take in right here right now. If they needed me, I’d be here. But that’s only a select few.

With that being said, they might not have me. I’ve grown into a more knowledgeable woman who has had heartbreak, pain, and just those things alone change people. I’m not the same girl I was in middle and high school. I had to piece myself back together and something beautiful and different came from that. Yes I did just call myself beautiful, and that’s okay. There are still some parts of me that are the same, I care with everything I have. But will people care for me? I don’t care if they don’t but they have to be okay with me walking away. I’m not going to be some person you’re only friends with because you expect something from me. You only need me when you need something. I want someone who will love me to my face and also when I’m not there. None of the childish talking about each other behind our backs.

I care so deeply, I love to tell people I love them, or show people. I love being open with my friends and knowing they will in return feel like they can tell me anything too. I’ve met some people recently that I could tell ANYTHING to and I know it’ll stay with just us. And we say it all the time we hope it doesn’t change. Just know right now, its not going to change with me.

Like the title of this states you have to take me as I am. I’m emotional, I’m real, I’m honest. Hormones, emotions, depression these things run my life. I’m working on it, I have issues. Who doesn’t though? If you can’t handle it, don’t. Do me a huge favor and get out of my life. Don’t pretend. If you don’t like my chronic pain that causes me to be unreliable when it comes to hanging out, sorry, leave. Somethings I just can’t help. I used to call myself and introvert but that’s not true at all, I love people. I love doing things, but sometimes my body says no fucking way. I’m done stressing about how people feel about me, if they think I’m a flake. If you don’t like my sexuality, get over it. I’m me, I don’t have to  explain anything to you or anyone. Don’t like my other friends? Don’t like what I do in my spare time? Cya.

I am not going to change for my family, my boyfriend, for my best friend, for my coworkers, for a stranger I met on the street, I’m me. I’m staying this way and if you don’t like me…go. If you are supposed to love me and you don’t…bye. I’m done.

This might sound selfish, but that’s not my intent. I just want everyone to realize I’m done taking shit from people. I want everyone to know I put up with a lot from a lot of people that never deserved my time to start with. Drugs, attitudes, selfishness…you guys decided what you wanted. Just know in the future if you need me…for real, I’m here for you because I love you. But this is goodbye.

I’m a worrier, and a warrior!

It’s already almost August, where did this year go? When I say year I’m referring to the time since starting the divorce process. I’ll be divorced in September; it’s still setting in that my ex is going to be out of my life forever. He was my best friend for 7 years, so it’s definitely not the easiest thing to go through. I know I shouldn’t but I talk to him from time to time, we ask each other how we’re doing just small talk, I made it obvious I can’t get back with him. There was a lot of mental abuse, but I honestly don’t have any hard feelings now. I kind of want to thank him, I found myself because he set me free. Well, I set myself free I suppose, I got out of it. Still though, I can’t help but shake the feeling that a part of me is missing.

I work at a call center; I absolute adore the people I work with. I never thought I would find a job where the people I worked with were like family, but I did! Everything is just so laid back and relaxed here, I mean minus the few crazies everyone is down to earth and we all get along. I feel if I had to leave there would be about 3 or 4 people who I would remain friends with for a long time. Some people have left and I still talk to them, family sticks together right? The department is kind of dropping like flies though, I’m afraid of change and what might come of the department if we keep losing people. They are moving on to bigger better things though so I support it.

I’m in a new relationship. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before, but usually it’s not early in the morning when I type these it’s late at night and who knows what I ramble on about as the night goes on and my mind wanders. Anyway, he is pretty great. Things are very different than in my past relationships, I feel like since I’m going into this as an adult I feel different ways than I did when I was in my past relationships as a teenager. He is a different type of person, really hard to read. I’m a worrier so that’s a scary thing for me not being able to read the person I’m dating, but it just takes a lot of me asking and him having patience with me. He tries haha (bless his heart). He supports me through all my decisions on my health, and he understands my chronic pain (which I’m definitely not used to, it’s incredible). He loves my dog and cat, and ever since he came he has been fixing up my house. I worry A LOT, I have this feeling as if he is going to up and leave and get tired of me. This is just some residual feeling left over from the heart break. I don’t get jealous but trust issues is definitely a problem, I trust him to not cheat but I don’t trust him to not hide things from me, because that’s what I’m used to people hiding things and feelings. He really doesn’t even know all this because I don’t want to make him feel bad, it’s not his fault and I’m working on it.

I’m working on myself. I’m Carly Johnson, I don’t know who Carly Rogers was, I don’t recognize her. She was some sheltered girl who felt she had to get permission to breathe at times. She let someone control her whole life, and I’m never going to get to that point again. When you’re in a relationship it’s healthy to discuss things with your partner but not let that partner control every aspect of your life. I’m a woman now; I can do things for myself including making my own money and sticking up for myself. Carly Rogers may be the name on my ID but it’s not the woman inside the body, my soul is Carly Johnson. Soon it will be ever aspect of me, including the name on my ID.

With all of this being said, I’m scared of what September will hold. I know tears will be shed, but I’m going to pick myself up and move on. This will be the end of a chapter in my life and I’ll be starting a new one. Did I ever thing I’d be here? No, absolutely not. But that’s the amazing thing about life, things change constantly and even though I hate change I still love life. A new beginning is exactly what I need. I hope everyone is having a pain free days and I’ll talk to you all very soon. Thanks for listening to me ramble; I’m still trying to wake up.

Love you all,

Carly soon to be Johnson ❤

Current Status is Happiness

20157635_10213795542905314_869837255411182133_o

This is me in my current state of bliss. I’m happy at work. I’m happy at home. I’m about 10 months into the divorce process only 2 months to go. I’m nervous and excited to get it over and get on with my life. I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together for quite a few months now. I took no time to move on because I can look back and say wow I could’ve done so much better all along. My endo is still here, OBVIOUSLY. I found new ways to cope with my pain, so far so good. Sometimes I get down about it because why should I have to deal with feeling like this forever? But then I think about how much stronger I’m going to come out from these experiences even though they aren’t fun. I already feel so much stronger than I used to be.

I’m sorry its been so long since I posted, I just realized before when I would post it was depressing and I would get so sad trying to type out what I was saying. But that’s totally normal for having to go through a divorce. I’m not going to lie and say everything is perfect because its not I’m suffering with depression. But that doesn’t mean life is bad, depression is so strange. It can come and stay but it can also leave and come back. I’m battling bouts of both it will come and linger for days then go away for a while and I’ll feel back to myself. I’m on meds for it I think I could go for a stronger dose but it makes me feel shitty.

Anyways, I’m back. I think. I’m very busy trying to work and live and I’m trying not to live to work but it is turning out that way unfortunately. Gotta do what I have to to live though. I’m going to try and blog more. I’ll do what I can. Tonight I just thought I’d provide a life update.

I’m alive!

I’m well!

I’m tired as always!

And cold. Always cold.

Y’all stay well. Spoons for everyone! ❤ thanks for sticking with me people.

 

Love,

Carly soon to be Johnson again.

 

Is endo the reason my marriage is over? (TMI warning)

Lets get to the real reason I made the blog site. To talk about the beauty and the ugliness that is Endometriosis. You might be thinking its all ugly but I beg to differ. I met some amazing individuals because my disorder. But there is a whole lot of ugly.

When I was first diagnosed with Endometriosis I had no sex life. I was 17 and not worried about having sex in high school out of fear of getting pregnant and being talked about. My school was bad about that. So I waited and my boyfriend (husband later on) was perfectly fine with waiting. So my endo symptoms were heavy and irregular period, lots of pain all month long and pain during urination and BMs.

When I got out of high school I did end up having sex and it was uncomfortable, I expected it to be because first time isn’t suppose to be amazing right? WRONG it was endo. And at this time I was kind of in denial about the whole thing. I had been thrown into menopause and had my surgery but it still hadn’t hit me that something was wrong inside my body. The pain during sex was excruciating to the point of having to see a pelvic floor therapist who thank God helped me out so much that I can have normal intercourse again. But there will always be a gnawing pain in my stomach afterwards. And if not directly afterwards then it will come the next day. So my sex life was limited but very much there up until the last few weeks of being together. So obviously it wasn’t a lack of sex thing (even though the sex was forced and very limited), I still don’t think it was the problem.

He told me I was lazy, he told me that the pain was in my head. I rarely complained about endo to him though so I’m not sure where this came from. I would complain of being tired a lot and not feeling good but I never said “my endo is hurting so bad today” because after my IUD my endo felt a lot better. I was usually tired and my ulcer was acting up because my nerves were always torn up (his fault a lot). When I was in menopause I slacked off doing my housewife duties but then I got a job and didn’t have 100% of my time to the house. When I lost my job and decided to take a health break we talked about me working on cleaning the house and I did. He was “worried” I would slack off again because of my “imaginary pain”.

When you have not 1 but 2 chronic pain disorders being told the pain is in your head is the last thing you ever want to hear. What you feel is very real, everyone has different pain tolerances to me my pain could be a 5 and to someone else it could be a 1 or ever a 9! Everyone’s story is different as well one woman could be covered in endo and feel no pain and someone else could have little endo and have terrible pain. Its all about location and nerve endings. But someone who could never get endo or who has never had endo may never believe this.

I don’t blame endo completely for my marriage failing, I blame lack of communication (from both of us), lack of understanding what I’m going through (his part), and lack of trying to make the marriage work (him). But I know its not all his fault.

Would I take him back?

He was the love of my life for 7 years. But love changes. He no longer felt the love for me that I felt for him. He called me names, and said very hurtful things to me. I’d never take back someone who I don’t even miss the slightest. I’m sure he doesn’t miss me either. To him I was a burden.

Do I regret my marriage?

No way. I had some really amazing times with him and I don’t ever want those memories to fade even though he walked out of this marriage, there was still a time where he loved every inch of me and I don’t want any good things in my past to be forgotten or be a regret.

Can I move on?

Without a doubt I can and will move on. I already am in MANY ways. I know where I made mistakes and I will take that into my new relationship. I know warning signs and things to watch for. I’ll make sure the next love of my life knows what he is in for with this stupid disease. If he wants to walk away he can, I’m not hiding it. Its not getting any better, I’m only feeling more pain more frequently these days. I wont ever let someone tell me its in my head again, its really messed me up in the long run. I’m having a hard time trusting my gut right now about everything. I’m I really hurting? His this person really being nice to me or just feeling sorry for me? Is any of these feelings real? Questions I don’t like asking because it seems disrespectful to the other people and also I should know by now endo pain is very real and not fake.

The moral is don’t let anyone tell you you’re faking. It is not in your head. Don’t let anyone call you lazy because you’re hurting to much to go out today and get groceries or you can’t vacuum the house. Take each day one spoon at a time. I feel like I’m living a better life, living this way.

I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. Thanks for listening. I hope everyone has a painfree Sunday and a great start to their week.