Lets get to the real reason I made the blog site. To talk about the beauty and the ugliness that is Endometriosis. You might be thinking its all ugly but I beg to differ. I met some amazing individuals because my disorder. But there is a whole lot of ugly.
When I was first diagnosed with Endometriosis I had no sex life. I was 17 and not worried about having sex in high school out of fear of getting pregnant and being talked about. My school was bad about that. So I waited and my boyfriend (husband later on) was perfectly fine with waiting. So my endo symptoms were heavy and irregular period, lots of pain all month long and pain during urination and BMs.
When I got out of high school I did end up having sex and it was uncomfortable, I expected it to be because first time isn’t suppose to be amazing right? WRONG it was endo. And at this time I was kind of in denial about the whole thing. I had been thrown into menopause and had my surgery but it still hadn’t hit me that something was wrong inside my body. The pain during sex was excruciating to the point of having to see a pelvic floor therapist who thank God helped me out so much that I can have normal intercourse again. But there will always be a gnawing pain in my stomach afterwards. And if not directly afterwards then it will come the next day. So my sex life was limited but very much there up until the last few weeks of being together. So obviously it wasn’t a lack of sex thing (even though the sex was forced and very limited), I still don’t think it was the problem.
He told me I was lazy, he told me that the pain was in my head. I rarely complained about endo to him though so I’m not sure where this came from. I would complain of being tired a lot and not feeling good but I never said “my endo is hurting so bad today” because after my IUD my endo felt a lot better. I was usually tired and my ulcer was acting up because my nerves were always torn up (his fault a lot). When I was in menopause I slacked off doing my housewife duties but then I got a job and didn’t have 100% of my time to the house. When I lost my job and decided to take a health break we talked about me working on cleaning the house and I did. He was “worried” I would slack off again because of my “imaginary pain”.
When you have not 1 but 2 chronic pain disorders being told the pain is in your head is the last thing you ever want to hear. What you feel is very real, everyone has different pain tolerances to me my pain could be a 5 and to someone else it could be a 1 or ever a 9! Everyone’s story is different as well one woman could be covered in endo and feel no pain and someone else could have little endo and have terrible pain. Its all about location and nerve endings. But someone who could never get endo or who has never had endo may never believe this.
I don’t blame endo completely for my marriage failing, I blame lack of communication (from both of us), lack of understanding what I’m going through (his part), and lack of trying to make the marriage work (him). But I know its not all his fault.
Would I take him back?
He was the love of my life for 7 years. But love changes. He no longer felt the love for me that I felt for him. He called me names, and said very hurtful things to me. I’d never take back someone who I don’t even miss the slightest. I’m sure he doesn’t miss me either. To him I was a burden.
Do I regret my marriage?
No way. I had some really amazing times with him and I don’t ever want those memories to fade even though he walked out of this marriage, there was still a time where he loved every inch of me and I don’t want any good things in my past to be forgotten or be a regret.
Can I move on?
Without a doubt I can and will move on. I already am in MANY ways. I know where I made mistakes and I will take that into my new relationship. I know warning signs and things to watch for. I’ll make sure the next love of my life knows what he is in for with this stupid disease. If he wants to walk away he can, I’m not hiding it. Its not getting any better, I’m only feeling more pain more frequently these days. I wont ever let someone tell me its in my head again, its really messed me up in the long run. I’m having a hard time trusting my gut right now about everything. I’m I really hurting? His this person really being nice to me or just feeling sorry for me? Is any of these feelings real? Questions I don’t like asking because it seems disrespectful to the other people and also I should know by now endo pain is very real and not fake.
The moral is don’t let anyone tell you you’re faking. It is not in your head. Don’t let anyone call you lazy because you’re hurting to much to go out today and get groceries or you can’t vacuum the house. Take each day one spoon at a time. I feel like I’m living a better life, living this way.
I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. Thanks for listening. I hope everyone has a painfree Sunday and a great start to their week.