Until Valhalla

Private Johns,

Its a bit weird to be sitting here writing you another letter. I thought those days ended with your discharge, but here I am writing you because you’re away again. But this time you won’t be coming home. I’m so very proud of everything you accomplished here on earth. I want you to know that there is a big empty void in my heart that will be filled when we meet again. Don’t worry about your family, they have so much love and support. They don’t realize that just being family with you has made them family with me, and I want them to realize this. If everyone turns away from them I will be there, I promise you this. I’m just some girl that went to school with you in some of their eyes but you know and I know that’s not true. I put so many songs on my Spotify playlist just for you , I blast Drops of Jupiter with the windows down every time it comes on in the car. I’ve watched our choir performances that I recorded and the video of you and your mom singing. It’s just strange to think you’re not away with the Army.

You were going to be in my wedding, but you were away and that’s fine because you were serving our country just like you wanted for so long. Your brother came and that made my whole day knowing that even though you weren’t there your family still was, he told me he was there in your place and that meant the world to me. Well when my marriage failed, quickly you asked me if you could kick my ex’s ass but of course I said no. Sometimes I wish I would’ve said yes ha ha. But even though I don’t really want to do the marriage thing again, if I do it will be a long time away, in the back of my head I thought maybe next time you’ll be my “man of honor”, we might actually have a chance. But now that will never happen. That’s totally OK though, you did what you had to do and I’ll never ever judge you for that. I may ask why, but I cannot judge you because like Train lyrics  said “Your best friend always sticking up for you . Even when I know you’re wrong”.

I suffer depression too, that’s the main reason why I cannot judge you. The one thing I wish you knew is that you could’ve came to me with anything and it would’ve never left my ears.  I asked you when you were in Germany if you were OK multiple times. I found our messages, you told me you were sad. I had no idea what you were going through and you wouldn’t open up to me about it, that’s OK. I don’t talk about my inner demons either. I went through all of our messages on Facebook and I laughed probably for a solid hour because it was always some girl drama with you. I predicted your son in Germany I said “We don’t need any German babies OK?” this was months before it happened and he said “why not?” you longed to be Papa John’s I knew you did. It was adorable, and you have 2 beautiful sons that look so much like you the resemblance is uncanny. You loved them more than you loved yourself, and your family will forever let them know this.  They will tell you of the amazing man you were.

So here I sit December 3rd 2018 trying to finish something I started back in October…better late than never. But not a day goes by where I don’t look up to the sky or turn on the radio and think of you. You were my best friend, you told me you’d always be there for me and I knew that. I feel like you’re still here for me. But giving me strength to get through the shit that I’ve been dealing with. I think I had to write this for some kind of closure, I don’t feel guilty in the sense that it feels like it’s my fault cause I had nothing to do with what you did. I feel guilty because it’s been over a year since we last talked. I was going through a divorce and you had your baby Jackson. I just wish that I reached out to you, for Christ’s sake I reached out to Jacob a few months before you killed yourself worried about him, it was just in a few comments on Facebook. But still, I had no idea you were the one who really needed it. Why didn’t I think to ask you if you were okay too? PTSD and all I should’ve known. But I’m only one person I suppose, but what if that’s all it took? I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’ve rekindled friendships asking people if they are okay, and I’m going to continue to do this because I don’t think I can deal with anymore loss. I don’t want you to be gone, I just don’t want to believe it. I visit your grave sometimes, I promise I’ll come with flowers too but our weather has been so bad and unpredictable. I know you’re not there but I’m going to honor the person you were and it’s just so peaceful to pray there with you.

Your death has taught me life is short, shorter than I ever expected. You never know when someone is going to be taken away from you. But it’s also taught me so much about suicide in veterans. 22 a day is 22 too many. I don’t know if you were 1 or 22 but you were a statistic and I don’t want that for anyone else. I want to spread so much awareness, and I will and I’m never going to stop. I won’t ever forget all you’ve done for me, you taught me friendship guys and girls can be friends even best friends without there being any strings attached ha ha, you taught me strength because you’re the strongest soldier I’ve ever met.  I’m going to continue to fight my battle with depression and anxiety in your honor. Please save me a spot in Heaven right next to you because one day my friend we are going to meet again.

Until Valhalla.

 

I love you my ‘buddy’, AKA J-red, AKA Jared Smooth Criminal Johns,

 

Always,

Carly (She’s Bad) Johnson AKA Carlyhorse

Dreams?

Sorry a head of time for typos I typed this up in like 30 mins just nonstop typing:

Maybe I should make a new intro to my blog, maybe I should explain where I’ve been but instead I’d rather talk and just spill something that’s been on my mind lately. Dreams. Why do we dream what we do? The people in them? I don’t have any answers to this but I do have a few dreams I want to talk about because either they were freaky or they were very special. I’m not going to put the whole dream just the most memorable parts.

1) My Grandfather: He has come to me in dreams and I don’t care if you believe in this kind of thing or not all I know is I’ve never felt more near him than I did in my dream. Not even sure if being around him when he was alive felt this real. Usually he doesn’t speak at all but he never has to. One dream I saw him and it felt like I was seeing him for the first time since he died and he just gave me such an amazing hug. But the 2nd time this happened in a dream I remember I was walking through a book store and all of a sudden “When you Believe” By Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey came on and I saw him sitting on a bench in the store. I sat next to him and leaned into his shoulder and sang the entire song and cried, I felt like he was trying to help me relieve the stress and anxiety I was dealing with, telling me to believe in myself through song. Not sure if he knew it was one of my favorites from my favorite animated movie probably ever “The Prince of Egypt”. But that one moment helped more than any moment I could’ve had from a real face to face interaction.

2) Death in general: I’m not going to say my mom’s late best friend was trying to contact me because I don’t think she would be happy to see me crying, but I do find it ironic that I had a dream of sitting in a car when a song began to play on the radio, Over you by Miranda Lambert. This song came out ever Cindy passed away and Miranda just happened to be one of her favorites. I woke up literally in tears I felt her presence but also felt so sad because she was definitely taken too soon. Now I get a sense of relief when I hear the song, but sometimes I still get sad. The lyrics “Your favorite records make me feel better, cause you sing along with every song. I know you didn’t mean to give them to me” I think the dream really brought this set of lyrics out to me because she did give me all her CDs before she passed, as if she knew. I’m working on loading them to my computer where I can listen to them whenever I want.

I’m seeing a trend with songs but not really. These dreams are just the most memorable.

3) The end of the world. I wanted to throw this one in because it still makes me laugh. I was either taking a sleep aid or a new antidepressant I don’t remember but I know I had bad dreams from ZZZquil and Amitriptyline. Anyways, I dreamed God was talking to me and telling me only a few would survive there was a burning bush and tsunamis (which I live in upstate South Carolina, we aren’t near the coast) but the tsunamis weren’t normal, they were green tea flavored waters. I don’t remember anything else except the waves hitting me in the face and me saying “Tastes like green tea” as if the world wasn’t crumbling around me.

Do I think dreams mean anything? Yeah I think that dreams can reflect how you’re feeling. I have really bad dreams when I’m really stressed. Like really stressful situations that make no sense at all, or maybe even sad dreams too. I do think people can come to you in dream too, especially if they left before they could tell you something. I know some people have even known when someone dies while they are asleep, they wake up to the news and that alone is creepy.  But in the end I love to dream, it’s my small escape from reality and even if the dreams are terrifying I still love to see what’s going to happen next. Maybe I’m just a psychopath.

I’m also wondering why I’ve been typing for a nonstop 30 minutes. Did I mention I need to go to a psych doctor? HA…that’s a story for another day.

I wish I had more dreams but as I was typing I lost my train of thought on the dreams so I’m just going to leave it at this. But I’d love to talk more about reoccurring dreams that really puzzle me. If you know anything about dream interpretation let me know!

Sorry I’ve been away for almost a whole year. I suck. But I’m here right now, I’m not making you any promises.  Talk to you sometime 🙂 Stay well, stay pain free, love yourself.

Take me as I am, or watch me…move on.

Walking away from certain individuals in my life has always been easy to me. I know when someone is corrupt, or harmful to my life and i know there is always a way out. I look back at all the memories I had with these certain individuals and I don’t feel like it was all a waste. I learned from these people, I had some incredible times. And I would 100% let some of them back in my life, but not now. We were all young and dumb, we made choices that weren’t always right. Until we grow up more, I can’t let some of these people back in. But some I would take in right here right now. If they needed me, I’d be here. But that’s only a select few.

With that being said, they might not have me. I’ve grown into a more knowledgeable woman who has had heartbreak, pain, and just those things alone change people. I’m not the same girl I was in middle and high school. I had to piece myself back together and something beautiful and different came from that. Yes I did just call myself beautiful, and that’s okay. There are still some parts of me that are the same, I care with everything I have. But will people care for me? I don’t care if they don’t but they have to be okay with me walking away. I’m not going to be some person you’re only friends with because you expect something from me. You only need me when you need something. I want someone who will love me to my face and also when I’m not there. None of the childish talking about each other behind our backs.

I care so deeply, I love to tell people I love them, or show people. I love being open with my friends and knowing they will in return feel like they can tell me anything too. I’ve met some people recently that I could tell ANYTHING to and I know it’ll stay with just us. And we say it all the time we hope it doesn’t change. Just know right now, its not going to change with me.

Like the title of this states you have to take me as I am. I’m emotional, I’m real, I’m honest. Hormones, emotions, depression these things run my life. I’m working on it, I have issues. Who doesn’t though? If you can’t handle it, don’t. Do me a huge favor and get out of my life. Don’t pretend. If you don’t like my chronic pain that causes me to be unreliable when it comes to hanging out, sorry, leave. Somethings I just can’t help. I used to call myself and introvert but that’s not true at all, I love people. I love doing things, but sometimes my body says no fucking way. I’m done stressing about how people feel about me, if they think I’m a flake. If you don’t like my sexuality, get over it. I’m me, I don’t have to  explain anything to you or anyone. Don’t like my other friends? Don’t like what I do in my spare time? Cya.

I am not going to change for my family, my boyfriend, for my best friend, for my coworkers, for a stranger I met on the street, I’m me. I’m staying this way and if you don’t like me…go. If you are supposed to love me and you don’t…bye. I’m done.

This might sound selfish, but that’s not my intent. I just want everyone to realize I’m done taking shit from people. I want everyone to know I put up with a lot from a lot of people that never deserved my time to start with. Drugs, attitudes, selfishness…you guys decided what you wanted. Just know in the future if you need me…for real, I’m here for you because I love you. But this is goodbye.

I’m a worrier, and a warrior!

It’s already almost August, where did this year go? When I say year I’m referring to the time since starting the divorce process. I’ll be divorced in September; it’s still setting in that my ex is going to be out of my life forever. He was my best friend for 7 years, so it’s definitely not the easiest thing to go through. I know I shouldn’t but I talk to him from time to time, we ask each other how we’re doing just small talk, I made it obvious I can’t get back with him. There was a lot of mental abuse, but I honestly don’t have any hard feelings now. I kind of want to thank him, I found myself because he set me free. Well, I set myself free I suppose, I got out of it. Still though, I can’t help but shake the feeling that a part of me is missing.

I work at a call center; I absolute adore the people I work with. I never thought I would find a job where the people I worked with were like family, but I did! Everything is just so laid back and relaxed here, I mean minus the few crazies everyone is down to earth and we all get along. I feel if I had to leave there would be about 3 or 4 people who I would remain friends with for a long time. Some people have left and I still talk to them, family sticks together right? The department is kind of dropping like flies though, I’m afraid of change and what might come of the department if we keep losing people. They are moving on to bigger better things though so I support it.

I’m in a new relationship. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before, but usually it’s not early in the morning when I type these it’s late at night and who knows what I ramble on about as the night goes on and my mind wanders. Anyway, he is pretty great. Things are very different than in my past relationships, I feel like since I’m going into this as an adult I feel different ways than I did when I was in my past relationships as a teenager. He is a different type of person, really hard to read. I’m a worrier so that’s a scary thing for me not being able to read the person I’m dating, but it just takes a lot of me asking and him having patience with me. He tries haha (bless his heart). He supports me through all my decisions on my health, and he understands my chronic pain (which I’m definitely not used to, it’s incredible). He loves my dog and cat, and ever since he came he has been fixing up my house. I worry A LOT, I have this feeling as if he is going to up and leave and get tired of me. This is just some residual feeling left over from the heart break. I don’t get jealous but trust issues is definitely a problem, I trust him to not cheat but I don’t trust him to not hide things from me, because that’s what I’m used to people hiding things and feelings. He really doesn’t even know all this because I don’t want to make him feel bad, it’s not his fault and I’m working on it.

I’m working on myself. I’m Carly Johnson, I don’t know who Carly Rogers was, I don’t recognize her. She was some sheltered girl who felt she had to get permission to breathe at times. She let someone control her whole life, and I’m never going to get to that point again. When you’re in a relationship it’s healthy to discuss things with your partner but not let that partner control every aspect of your life. I’m a woman now; I can do things for myself including making my own money and sticking up for myself. Carly Rogers may be the name on my ID but it’s not the woman inside the body, my soul is Carly Johnson. Soon it will be ever aspect of me, including the name on my ID.

With all of this being said, I’m scared of what September will hold. I know tears will be shed, but I’m going to pick myself up and move on. This will be the end of a chapter in my life and I’ll be starting a new one. Did I ever thing I’d be here? No, absolutely not. But that’s the amazing thing about life, things change constantly and even though I hate change I still love life. A new beginning is exactly what I need. I hope everyone is having a pain free days and I’ll talk to you all very soon. Thanks for listening to me ramble; I’m still trying to wake up.

Love you all,

Carly soon to be Johnson ❤

Current Status is Happiness

This is me in my current state of bliss. I’m happy at work. I’m happy at home. I’m about 10 months into the divorce process only 2 months to go. I’m nervous and excited to get it over and get on with my life. I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together for quite a few months now. I took no time to move on because I can look back and say wow I could’ve done so much better all along. My endo is still here, OBVIOUSLY. I found new ways to cope with my pain, so far so good. Sometimes I get down about it because why should I have to deal with feeling like this forever? But then I think about how much stronger I’m going to come out from these experiences even though they aren’t fun. I already feel so much stronger than I used to be.

I’m sorry its been so long since I posted, I just realized before when I would post it was depressing and I would get so sad trying to type out what I was saying. But that’s totally normal for having to go through a divorce. I’m not going to lie and say everything is perfect because its not I’m suffering with depression. But that doesn’t mean life is bad, depression is so strange. It can come and stay but it can also leave and come back. I’m battling bouts of both it will come and linger for days then go away for a while and I’ll feel back to myself. I’m on meds for it I think I could go for a stronger dose but it makes me feel shitty.

Anyways, I’m back. I think. I’m very busy trying to work and live and I’m trying not to live to work but it is turning out that way unfortunately. Gotta do what I have to to live though. I’m going to try and blog more. I’ll do what I can. Tonight I just thought I’d provide a life update.

I’m alive!

I’m well!

I’m tired as always!

And cold. Always cold.

Y’all stay well. Spoons for everyone! ❤ thanks for sticking with me people.

 

Love,

Carly soon to be Johnson again.